Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Catch-all #3 or A letter for Jake.

 Some of you don't know this about me, some of you do but A year ago tomorrow (9/12) I will have suffered along with others the sting of loss of A friend others the loss of a son and still others A sibling at the hands of suicide. This may sound selfish but at times I seem more outraged and confused then sad and depressed. This post is more for my benefit then anyone's, I don't know if that seems selfish, but anyways it's my post and my blog.
  If I had the opportunity to write Jake A letter I think it would o something like this:(I'v never been one for formal letter writing protocol)

 Hey Jake,
    I don't know what happened to make you think that all of your life had come down to this decision to take your life, but just so you know the gap you left in humanity was of quite a large magnitude to all of us, probably more then anyone realized. I never thought  the half-hearted affections of someone was worth anyone's life, when you had a circle of friends who valued you and knew you could do much better for yourself. It's like you had A hand full of diamonds but all you wanted where those cheap little pieces of colored glass they put in the bottom of fish bowels or flower vases. The attention of another person will never be worth the existence of another Jake. I wish I could have told you that.
     I remember the day I found out I cried for an entire night, I never cried like that for anyone. I wonder what made this so different. I guess it was more out of shock and sadness of the fact I wasn't perceptive enough to pick up on your red flags and I blamed myself for the longest time and still do A extent I guess, I remember writing the night you passed that I would carry you in every fold of my brain and every cell of my body, but this body is only built for one and I can't carry you anymore. I won't carry you anymore, I'll never forget you, but I'm going to let this extra weight go, I still don't understand why, but that's A "why" I wasn't meant to know, but I want you to know that you did change the landscape of my life, you tilled the soil of my soul so new life can be planted and begin to grow. So instead of carrying you I am going to put the memory of you in the garden of my soul like a statue and let the vines of time grow up around you. you'll be there for reflection, but I am not going to carry you anymore Jake.  I know ill still think of you constantly but instead of regret ill reflect.
well I ill see ya, I hope your doing well.

Willem Drifft 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

the catch-all part 2.

   So I have been thinking A lot lately about those forces in the universe that shape our lives, which is funny I think, because I ponder these deep things when I m doing the most trivial things such as laundry, brushing my teeth, clipping my toe nails, etc, but anyways I wasn't just pondering  the things in our lives that makes life easier and pleasant, but the ones that make it difficult and painful. What benefit are they? What good is pain, struggle, and confusion and conflict? I have come to this conclusion: up-hill is just as important and necessary as the down-hill and seems to me to have the longest and most meaningful effect.
    Friedrich Nietzche said"I assess the power of a will by how much resistance, pain and torture it endures and knows how to turn to its advantage." I like this quote, it kinda hits the nail on the had about what this whole post is about. These things don't come in our life to just destroy and take away, I think they work the same way A farmer plows a field and busts up the hard soil and gets it ready for new life to start, so in the same way the "negative things" come along and break up the routine, the mundane, and the comfy to make a way for a new trajectory.
     Maybe I wouldn't venture as far as to call all these things that cause adversity "negative" more like catalytic forces, and we all know A abrupt change isn't pleasant but most of the time it's necessary. So when these "catalytic" forces bring A uncomfortable dynamic to your life don't focus so much on the pain and woe of the present but try and think and ponder of the new life that will emerge from the freshly tilled soil of your soul.